Stoat slams U2 over treatment of fans

By Chuck Umshen Quirk-rock band Stoat have slammed U2 over their treatment of fans, and branded the campaign for a second U2 concert at Slane this summer as 'cheap'. 'The planning laws have been made to protect the residents of Slane', asserted Tom Haggard, spokesperson for the band, in a statement issued this morning. 'Bono has a cheek to even ask the government to overturn the law in order to assist him in his profiteering. If U2 care so much about their Irish fans, why do they play in the country only once every four years?' Mr. Haggard pointed out that 'conscientious' bands such as Stoat do not allow demand for tickets to build up as U2 have done for Slane (where fewer than one in three fans managed to acquire tickets) - they prevent the recent 'ugly scenes in the streets' by staging monthly and even weekly performances. In his statement, Mr. Haggard also demanded justification for the high prices of tickets to the Slane concert - 'almost 10 hours work for someone on minimum wage'. He went on to claim that Stoat typically charge less than five pounds for their fun-filled evenings, and in further efforts to cater for their fans' needs, they

stage these events in intimate indoor venues well-served by public transport, thereby minimising journey times, and rendering walls of televisions unnecessary for satisfactory viewing. 'Stoat don't sneak off to champagne and cocaine-fueled parties with supermodels after a gig', said Mr. Haggard, 'Instead they choose have a few quiet drinks and converse with the people who made the effort to come to see them. I ask you - who cares about their fans more - Stoat or U2?' The government, while conceding the moral high ground to Mr. Haggard and Stoat, has stated that the contribution to GNP of a second U2 concert would be such that 'to invoke morality would be economically unethical', and so has contracted promoters MCD to draft a revision to the planning laws which will be hurried through the Dáil in time for the Easter recess. The Lord Mayor of Dublin, however, is reported to be considering revoking U2's freedom of the city, and instead granting it to all the shitty-ass rock'n'roll bands who have ever played in Eamonn Doran's, Doyle's of Fleet Street, or The Temple.